I'm sitting here in front of my laptop typing this even though I am suppose to be studying Biology. It's hard for me to find motivation to study nowadays and that scares me.
I've been thinking about the future a lot these days. (I know right, this is shocking!) I have no idea why but all these thoughts keep entering my head and it's eating me up.
Did I choose the right course?
Did I make a mistake by choosing this course?
What if I'm not meant to be doctor?
What if Allah has other plans for me?
What if no one accepts me?
Will I be able to succeed?
Can I really do it?
Did I make a mistake by choosing this course?
What if I'm not meant to be doctor?
What if Allah has other plans for me?
What if no one accepts me?
Will I be able to succeed?
Can I really do it?
I keep asking myself these every night. It's an unhealthy obsession. One that I do not wish to have.
They say the hardest thing about Medicine is actually getting into a medical school. I've been rejected by 4 universities already. I am still waiting for 2 more. I don't know what my chances are but everyday without news is a day nearer to disappointment, although I pray and hope to God that I'll get good news soon. Ya Allah, tolong lah aku.
If I don't get into a Medical School, I'm not just letting down myself, but also my parents and my siblings. They really have high hopes for me and if I let them down, I don't know if I can live with myself. Changing course is not an option. It's MBBS or nothing at all.
This is really difficult for me. I realise that keeping all of these inside is bad for me. I do realise that. But I don't like to burden people with my problems. I always feel like they have enough problems as it is, they don't need to hear about my sad story. And I am aware that there are other people out there that have bigger things to worry about and this just seems trivial.
And so, sometimes when things get too overwhelming, I cry. I cry silently, hoping and praying no one can hear me. I cry till my head hurts but I always try to pick myself back up again. I don't like to show weakness, maybe I'm egoistic that way. I put on a smile and pretend that I'm okay, even though, deep down, it is eating me. People ask me "Aren't you worried?" I am, I just don't like to show it.
I'm not writing this as a plea of help. I'm just writing this to let everything out. I guess this is how I choose to express myself.
I guess I just hope there is someone out there that will listen.
3 comments:
Hey darling, don't fret. Look, the greatest victories didn't happen after the first try. The best people don't succeed immediately. I know people who got into MIT after their 3rd time applying. Don't give up hope. Be confident and have faith. If you do get it, that's great. If you don't, keep trying. Reapply and reapply. Have faith that things will play out the way you want it to. Because, like I always say, if you want it badly enough you'll find a way to get it. If you want it, and I know you do, work towards it. Not that I'm saying you aren't already but keep at it. Keep going even when it seems like there isn't much of a point. Even when it seems like to keep trying is the hardest and most painful thing to do. Just keep going. You'll get there. You will get there eventually. You will. I know you will. You may not think so right now but that's ok. That's what I'm here to tell you; that you WILL get there. If you don't believe yourself, believe me. You will get there Syahira Johan. Keep trying and don't give up hope. Never give up hope. If you believe whole-heartedly that this is your calling, keep going. And know that I and every one of your besties are here cheering you on and ready to lend a hand the moment you need it. Have faith and be strong.
Sorry that I'm only replying to you now.
I know I'm not suppose to give up, but it's hard. It really is. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still even holding on to this dream. I know I can just keep applying but that not what I'm worried about. It's the fear of rejection that is bugging me. Because if I get rejected again if I ever do reapply, I don't think I can bear the disappointment again. It's tiring. Really, tiring.
But I'm still trying to be positive now. I mean, no news is good news right? I just have to wait. It feels like it's a never ending game of waiting.
Yeah I know the disappointment can be unbearable and tiring. But that's part of the hardship of med school. Just keep your eye on the prize; getting in. Keep that in your sights and hopefully that'll give you strength to keep trying. If not, there's always us ♥
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