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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Natural selection should be done on idiots!

I realise I only use this space to rant and rave about stuff because everywhere else is public for everyone to see and the people I rant about can read it. So, here I am.

This has been bugging me since.. well, forever but the last couple of weeks, the feeling has been building and I need to release it before I self combust.

Anyway, as you all know, I'm an avid football (soccer) supporter. And I support Manchester United. This rant is mostly about the fucking idiotic boys that I have the unfortunate honour of knowing.

I really have no idea what is wrong with them. When they find out I watch football, there are always 2 type of reaction. First, the "Oooh! Since when? Cool. Did you watch...." Or the second, and this happens more times than not., "You watch football? *makes a face* Why do YOU watch football?" And this comment usually follow with a smartass comment about why girls watch football.

I'm sorry that you think that ALL girls are as shallow as those girls you previously knew. I don't know who or what type of girls you've hung out with but let me assure you that not all of us watch football because "OOOH. HE IS SO HOT! I'M JUST GONNA WATCH THE GAME BECAUSE OF HIM! OMG HE IS FREAKING HOT. LOOK AT HIS BODY! SFAHSKAJGHSALKGLAGALK!!!!!1111!!!!" Some of us watch it because we genuinely like the game.

Why is it that guys can like football but when girls like it, they are either following a trend and trying to be cool or just watching it for the eye candy? Why is it so hard for you to accept that we too can like football. We might not be football players but that doesn't mean we can't like watching it. So according to your logic, you're not a musician so you can't like music right? I know more about football than almost half of the boys I know. I've been following the game since I was 10 or 11 which is a long time considering. Back then EPL wasn't even a big deal yet in Malaysia. So fuck you and your damn theories about my interest.

The fact that you think football only belongs to you boys shows just how dark of a hole you've been living in. Times have changed, football is universal. It's not just a "guy's thing" anymore. If you can't deal with that then maybe you need to go back to your fucking hole and stay there.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop typing this even though I am suppose to be studying Biology. It's hard for me to find motivation to study nowadays and that scares me.

I've been thinking about the future a lot these days. (I know right, this is shocking!) I have no idea why but all these thoughts keep entering my head and it's eating me up.

Did I choose the right course?
Did I make a mistake by choosing this course?
What if I'm not meant to be doctor?
What if Allah has other plans for me?
What if no one accepts me?
Will I be able to succeed?
Can I really do it?

I keep asking myself these every night. It's an unhealthy obsession. One that I do not wish to have.

They say the hardest thing about Medicine is actually getting into a medical school. I've been rejected by 4 universities already. I am still waiting for 2 more. I don't know what my chances are but everyday without news is a day nearer to disappointment, although I pray and hope to God that I'll get good news soon. Ya Allah, tolong lah aku.

If I don't get into a Medical School, I'm not just letting down myself, but also my parents and my siblings. They really have high hopes for me and if I let them down, I don't know if I can live with myself. Changing course is not an option. It's MBBS or nothing at all.

This is really difficult for me. I realise that keeping all of these inside is bad for me. I do realise that. But I don't like to burden people with my problems. I always feel like they have enough problems as it is, they don't need to hear about my sad story. And I am aware that there are other people out there that have bigger things to worry about and this just seems trivial.

And so, sometimes when things get too overwhelming, I cry. I cry silently, hoping and praying no one can hear me. I cry till my head hurts but I always try to pick myself back up again. I don't like to show weakness, maybe I'm egoistic that way. I put on a smile and pretend that I'm okay, even though, deep down, it is eating me. People ask me "Aren't you worried?" I am, I just don't like to show it.

I'm not writing this as a plea of help. I'm just writing this to let everything out. I guess this is how I choose to express myself.

I guess I just hope there is someone out there that will listen.