Natural selection should be done on idiots!

I realise I only use this space to rant and rave about stuff because everywhere else is public for everyone to see and the people I rant about can read it. So, here I am.

This has been bugging me since.. well, forever but the last couple of weeks, the feeling has been building and I need to release it before I self combust.

Anyway, as you all know, I'm an avid football (soccer) supporter. And I support Manchester United. This rant is mostly about the fucking idiotic boys that I have the unfortunate honour of knowing.

I really have no idea what is wrong with them. When they find out I watch football, there are always 2 type of reaction. First, the "Oooh! Since when? Cool. Did you watch...." Or the second, and this happens more times than not., "You watch football? *makes a face* Why do YOU watch football?" And this comment usually follow with a smartass comment about why girls watch football.

I'm sorry that you think that ALL girls are as shallow as those girls you previously knew. I don't know who or what type of girls you've hung out with but let me assure you that not all of us watch football because "OOOH. HE IS SO HOT! I'M JUST GONNA WATCH THE GAME BECAUSE OF HIM! OMG HE IS FREAKING HOT. LOOK AT HIS BODY! SFAHSKAJGHSALKGLAGALK!!!!!1111!!!!" Some of us watch it because we genuinely like the game.

Why is it that guys can like football but when girls like it, they are either following a trend and trying to be cool or just watching it for the eye candy? Why is it so hard for you to accept that we too can like football. We might not be football players but that doesn't mean we can't like watching it. So according to your logic, you're not a musician so you can't like music right? I know more about football than almost half of the boys I know. I've been following the game since I was 10 or 11 which is a long time considering. Back then EPL wasn't even a big deal yet in Malaysia. So fuck you and your damn theories about my interest.

The fact that you think football only belongs to you boys shows just how dark of a hole you've been living in. Times have changed, football is universal. It's not just a "guy's thing" anymore. If you can't deal with that then maybe you need to go back to your fucking hole and stay there.

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop typing this even though I am suppose to be studying Biology. It's hard for me to find motivation to study nowadays and that scares me.

I've been thinking about the future a lot these days. (I know right, this is shocking!) I have no idea why but all these thoughts keep entering my head and it's eating me up.

Did I choose the right course?
Did I make a mistake by choosing this course?
What if I'm not meant to be doctor?
What if Allah has other plans for me?
What if no one accepts me?
Will I be able to succeed?
Can I really do it?

I keep asking myself these every night. It's an unhealthy obsession. One that I do not wish to have.

They say the hardest thing about Medicine is actually getting into a medical school. I've been rejected by 4 universities already. I am still waiting for 2 more. I don't know what my chances are but everyday without news is a day nearer to disappointment, although I pray and hope to God that I'll get good news soon. Ya Allah, tolong lah aku.

If I don't get into a Medical School, I'm not just letting down myself, but also my parents and my siblings. They really have high hopes for me and if I let them down, I don't know if I can live with myself. Changing course is not an option. It's MBBS or nothing at all.

This is really difficult for me. I realise that keeping all of these inside is bad for me. I do realise that. But I don't like to burden people with my problems. I always feel like they have enough problems as it is, they don't need to hear about my sad story. And I am aware that there are other people out there that have bigger things to worry about and this just seems trivial.

And so, sometimes when things get too overwhelming, I cry. I cry silently, hoping and praying no one can hear me. I cry till my head hurts but I always try to pick myself back up again. I don't like to show weakness, maybe I'm egoistic that way. I put on a smile and pretend that I'm okay, even though, deep down, it is eating me. People ask me "Aren't you worried?" I am, I just don't like to show it.

I'm not writing this as a plea of help. I'm just writing this to let everything out. I guess this is how I choose to express myself.

I guess I just hope there is someone out there that will listen.

how well do you know someone in just over a year?

You know what I was thinking. I'm not a very brave girl.
If they are looking for a someone to play a character in a short play, I will never volunteer myelf.
If they are looking for someone to go up on stage to recite a poem or to join a debate team, I will never volunteer myself.
If they are looking for someone to stay over a haunted house for the night, I will never volunteer myself.
If they are looking for someone to join the girls' netball team, I will never volunteer myself.
If you try to make me do something that requires me to do it in front of an audience, I will never do it.
Why?
Because I am not brave enough. Not brave enough to stand in front and bare out my soul. Stand there and act out a character that is so foreign to me.
I would rather not do it.

Actually, this doesn't only apply to being on stage.
I'm not brave enough to be who I really am there. So I put on a mask and only show them who they think I am.
Why?
Because some of them there are so critical and judgemental that sometimes it is really suffocating.
Let them think they know me. When in reality, they know nothing.

I'm humbled that some of you still read my blog.
Thank you.
Even if I don't update, thank you
<3

especially for you Huda :D

Okay. I decided to once again start writing here. I don’t want to really. But I figured, I really needed a place to just load off all of my feelings and stuff. This seems like a good place.

So basically, the last time I updated was a year ago. Trust me, many things happened. Some I’m not particularly proud of & some was just plain awesome. Something unexpected happened too.

----

Losing a friend is never easy. I am not talking about you fighting with your friend and now, you are no longer speaking to one another. I’m talking about actually losing a friend. As in he passed away. I never thought I would experience it, to be perfectly honest. I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. And let me tell you, it’s probably the worst feeling ever.

When I heard the news, I was shocked, yes. But that was it. It didn’t really sink that he was gone. I went back home and while I was sitting in front of the television, it all dawned to me. He’s no longer here. I won’t see him anymore. He’s gone. And at that moment, tears fell.

I only knew him for 3 semesters but the fact that he was in 2 of my classes , his presence is definitely missed. He was the first Malay boy to actually make an effort to talk to me. He would stick his tongue out at me for no real reason during Chemistry class when he thought teacher was not looking. He would sing in Maths class loudly if he feels bored waiting for our teacher. I always tease him and call him Wannie even though he tells me not to in the beginning. I think he just accepted it as time gradually passed.

I remember the last conversation I had with him was about Battle of the Bands. I asked him if he was joining and he said yes. I remember telling him to sing an Indonesian song because well, he sounds really good singing it and he loves their songs. He said, yeah, he was planning too but he wasn’t sure what exactly was alternative. I tried explaining but I don’t think he really got it. He didn’t talk much in class that day apart from that.

I didn’t see him after that because I went home that weekend. I found out about his condition on Saturday evening. I was devastated. I was praying to God to help him wake up from his coma.

He will always be remembered as the nice boy because ultimately, that was who he was. A very nice person. He didn’t have a problem with him and no one had any with him. Everyone had nice things to say about him. I cannot believe he is gone. I still remember his “promise” to sing at our teacher’s BBQ party again this year, as he did last year. I remember making sure he promised us that he will. I guess that promise will never be carried out.

God truly does love him. I can only pray and hope that he is a better place & that he is no longer in pain.

Syazwan, we will always remember you. As a friend, batch-mate and the nicest boy we will ever meet. I am honoured to have been friends with you.

I cried when I first heard of his condition & his admittance into ICU.

I cried after the news of his death sunk in.

I cried at his funeral, especially as they were loading him into the van.

I cried at his eulogy in college when his chaletmate gave a speech.

And, I am crying right now as I type this.

People's perception

There isn't much you can do to change a person's view on something. He or she will continue to believe in what he or she thinks is right. No matter how baseless and judgmental it is.
I feel like I have to go through it everyday in college. Don't get me wrong. They are some of the nicest people who couldn't give a hoot. It's the other half of the people that is bugging me.
It was suppose to be over. The whole judgmental thinking about the two group of students. Clearly I was wrong. And I am honestly disappointed in them. We still have to work hard to achieve our dream. Work our asses off for the next two years. Regardless of who is paying our fees.
I say, we have one disadvantage compared to the rest of you. If we do, touch wood, fail our exams, we have to go back home to the people who pays our fees over the two years. You don't have to go back home to your sponsors...

where am I again?

I survived my first two weeks in the wilderness! Huzzah!
Okay. Not wilderness but it is pretty ulu. So ulu that there is nothing within the the 5km radius but trees, trees and you guessed it, more freaking trees. That's KYUEM for you.

To be perfectly honest, I was scared. Who wouldn't be? New environment, new people, new rooms. But somehow, I manage to adapt pretty quickly to life there. I consider myself lucky that I at least had one friend from school there, where as, quite a number of people didn't know anyone.
Induction week was hell. Not that it was boring, it was just really, really tiring. It was one thing after another. A talk, an activity.
Preparation for batch anniversary was also hell. But I rather not talk about it here. The seniors seem to like it, so I guess everything went well?

Have I made new friends? Yes. (are you surprised? Me too, honestly.) Is the people there nice? Yes. How about the seniors? They're nice. most of the time.. kidding

Classes? They have been going on fine. Thank goodness I share the same history class as one of my team member from the induction week and the same biology class as my chalet mate. And I have a friend in Chemistry class. So, yeah!

It's fun there. Really it is. I love all the house spirit there. It reminds me of school.
One of the seniors said, "The only entertainment we have here is ourselves..." It's only the second week but now, I can see what he's talking about.

OMG!
I forgot to add. Guess what societies I'm a member of in college? DUN DUN DUN. I'm in Rotaract Club. *collective gasp!* I know right? I'm like totally surprised too. But, before all you Leos out there bite my head off...I joined Rotaract because they didn't have Leo there. It's the closest thing to Leo.
And, I'm in Spanish Club. Hopefully by the end of my two years there, I will be able to communicate (at least a little bit) in Spanish. But then again, anything is better than my current knowledge of Spanish which is basically just uno, dos, tres... You get what I mean..